It isn't as though I have a lot of scars. My body has not been disfigured by any incredible accident, maimed by fate or man. As I've moved this body through life, though, it has been damaged, cut, injured, the mark of which still endures, a visible reminder of that exact instant, that time when my flesh was opened up, red lips yawning, and my living body spilled out of me. Scars are like memories but etched into our flesh rather than our minds.
On my arm, barely visible any more, covered in blond hair once again, is a small, round scar. A Chinese girl in a bar on Lebuh Chulia in Georgetown, Penang once marveled at the hair on my arms, telling me I had hair of gold. She also told me I looked like Jesus. It had to be one of the strangest pickup lines of all time. I remember when the scar was hairless, purple. It was a self-inflicted scar, an attempt to use physical pain to blot out emotional pain. It was back when I was maybe 18, or maybe even 17. I don't remember now—not without a journal to refer back to, or some other milestone to orient myself. I've never been good with time or order. The past . . . well, when something was in relation to now has always seemed murky to me. I'm much better with "where" than "when". This "where" was a farmhouse in Hogtown, Kentucky—also known as Elliotville. Actually, it was several, several miles from there. I often walked there to the country store, in the cold of winter--I lived there through a winter, before coming to college, reading philosophy and living wildly. My walks to the store were mostly for cigarettes or even rolling tobacco. Times were tough then, and I lived off of just a few hundred dollars a month. I was broke most of the time. I put one of those cigarettes out on my arm. I'd just found out my girlfriend at the time had lost her virginity to my best friend, maybe a few weeks before. I'd hoped that by extinguishing the cigarette on my arm it would extinguish the pain in my heart. I learned, though, that things don't work that way. Pain only dies out if left untended, like a fire in the night. Unlike fire, it cannot be extinguished in a moment.

On my left ankle, just above my tanned foot there is a scar that looks cosmological, or perhaps like some amoeba spread out, pale against the color of my browned foot and leg. Sometimes, I run my fingertips across it, feeling its contours, the contrast with the surrounding skin. It is now partially obscured from an anklet I bought for $1 in the Psar Chas in Siem Reap, but its memory is obscured by nothing. It was a break from studies; I was a student at the Universiti Sains Malaysia at the time, and I and two American friends had gone to Sumatra, to Tuk Tuk on Danau Tobah on the island of Samosir. We'd decided to rent motorbikes and go across to the other side where there were some volcanic hot springs. I had a friend on the back, and not long after starting I hit a patch of gravel, wrecked the bike and mangled my ankle. Picking the gravel out of my flesh while waiting for an Indonesian man to repair the bike—it was only the footrest that was bent—I could not but think of the Hemingway short story, “The Snows of Kilimanjaro” in which the protagonist is dying from gangrene in his leg while on a safari—the result of a mistreated thorn. We continued on our journey, though. I was not able to get into the hottest pool, but dipped out water once we reached the hot springs to wash my wound. I remember the smell of sulfur from the nearby vents. On the way back, children tried to touch as as we road by, and some even through rocks. Later, while the wounds were still open, we climbed Gunung Sibayak outside of Berastagi. My sandals—a pair of Birkenstock's I'd bought at a yard sale years before—broke. I climbed the volcano up and down barefooted. As I think back about it—and the days of limping around, the discomfort of the wound, it was the embarrassment that hurt the most. That was another lesson—some scars of the body can remind you of pains of the mind, and these can smolder long after you think the fire has died.

On my right ankle, in nearly the same spot as the scar on my left, is a more subtle scar, one that may fade over time. It was an unexpected scar, a scar that materialized without the red smile of a cut. When I touch it, it feels alien, numb, as if I were touching the ankle of someone else, a foot of parchment leather, not my own living skin. It is less than a year old. I was with my family on the shores of the South China Sea, at Ochheuteal Beach, Cambodia with my wife, her mother, father, aunt, uncle, and nieces and nephews. As they prepared to get in the water, I scanned its depths and spied jellyfish there. There were small jellies, but then also huge ones, their tentacles trailing far behind them. Soon I saw some beach boys, their skin black and taut from long hours in the sun, using nets to fish some of the big ones out of the water and throwing them on the shore to slowly melt away. These were box jellies. Because of the jellyfish, I did not let the children get into the water. But as we played together, with the water just coming to the edge of our sandcastles, I felt two stings—one on my ankle, and another on my knee. There were no jellies to be seen—it must have been a detached tentacle that brushed against me. I got limes and rubbed them across the stings (acid can neutralize the poison) and forgot about it. The pain faded—it had not been intense to begin with. However, within a few days my ankle (but never my leg) looked as it is had been badly burnt, erupting, the skin bursting open and peeling away, and the foot swelling and too painful to walk on. It was only days later, after applying a traditional poultice of a tree root, that I was able to walk again. It must have been a box jelly tentacle that brushed against me, and as I look at this scar—still, slightly purple unlike the white scar of my motorcycle wreck, I am happy. Box jellies can be lethal, sometimes triggering anaphylactic shock, and it was wise we did not go into the water that day. This was yet another lesson—some scars can remind you that things could have been worse than they were, and that a burn may save you from a conflagration.
There are other scars, of course. There is the bump and jagged line that runs down from my hairline on the right side of my forehead, from getting pushed down a flight of stairs in Chinatown, Honolulu four years ago. I've got two new ones within the past two weeks, my most pronounced ones yet—one, nearly from ear to chin, the other across the bottom on my chin, from a surgery to put my jaw back together after being jumped by four men in Moiliili in Hawai'i. And there are other scars I bear—from a pair of clippers held under my arm, from a rusty nail sticking out of a barn, from a chickenpox scar I picked too much, from a ragged metal edge on a toy box. And like all of us, I have other scars, the scars I've not spoken of here—the ones that you cannot see. But those are the scars that, even though they are invisible, we seek to hide—not hide from others, but from ourselves. As Cicero wrote in his exposition of Epicurus, "Mental pleasures and pains [compared to] bodily ones . . .are more powerful, as they embrace past and future [sic]."

We all have scars, and they all have stories. They speak to our fragility and to our impermanence as well as to our resilience and to our endurance. They are simultaneously reminders of our past and our futures, of our lives and our deaths, our strength and our weakness.
They are, above all, testaments to a life lived.
This has been the story of three of my scars.